EUKONU
■powder. Bnj 20, Hatton <
[Issue,
BEST
y tooth ens the cav and bath; is
2s. 9d.
reserves ndbeau- fies the nr, and r, is the n’s hair, ordinary n colour E)s. 6d.,
it brown
“ 91, Commercial Road, Peckhqm, Jiiiy 12th, 1889.
“ Dear Sir,- I am a poor hand at expressing- rdy feelings on paper, hut I should like to thank you, for your lozenges have done wonders for me in re- lieving my terrible cough. Since I had the operation of ‘Tracheotomy’ (the same as the late Emperor of Germany, and unlike him, thank God, I am still alive and getting on well) performed at St. Bartholomew’s Hospital for abduct, or paralysis of the vocal chords, no one could possibly have had a more violent cough ; indeed, it was so had at times that it quite exhausted me. '» he mucus also, which was very copious and hard, has been softened, and I have been able to get rid of it without difficulty. “ I am, Sir, yours truly,
“Mr. T. Keating. “J. Hill.’*
3VEEDICAL IKTOTE.
The above speaks for itself. From strict inquiry it appears that the benefit from using Keating’s Cough Lozenges is understated. The operation was a specially severe cue, and was performed by the specialist, Dr. H. T. Butlin, of St. Bartholomew’s Hospital. Since the operation, the only means of relief is the use of these Lozenges. So successful are they that one affords immediate benefit, although, from the nature of the case the throat irritation is intense. Mr. Hill kindly allows any reference to be made to him.
THE UTTERLY UNRIVALLED REMEDY
FOR
COUGHS, HOARSENESS, AND THROAT TROUBLES.
“KEATING’S COUGH LOZENGES” are sold everywhere in Tins, 1. 1 4 and 2/9 each. Free by Post, 15 Stands.
THOMAS KEATING, CHEMIST, EONDON.
Ten Return this book on or before the Tho Latest Date stamped below. cu-
University of Illinois Library
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ENO’S " FRUIT SALT” WORKS, LONDON. S.E., by J. 0. tNU a FA 1 ENT.
Tenth ]
l
. y Mdvertiser.
[Issue,
ROWLANDS’ ARTICLES
For the Hair, Complexion, and Teeth, are the PUREST & BEST
0D0NT0
MACASSAR OIL
KALYDOR
A pure non-gritty tooth powder ; it whitens the teeth, prevents decav and sweetens the breath ; is more efficacious than pastes or washes. 2s. 9d.
preserves and beau- tifies the hair, and
prevents it falling off or tinning grey, is the best Brilliantine lor ladies’ and children’s hair, being lei-s greasy and drying than ordinary Brihiantine. and can be had in a eolden colour for fair hair. Sizes, 3s. 6ct., 7s., 10s. 6d., equal to four email.
is a most soothing, heal- ing, and refreshing milk for the face, hands, and arms. It prevents and removes Freck’es, Tan, Sunourn, Redness and Roughness of the skin, too.hps and heals all Irritation, Chaps, Chilbla ns. Cutaneous Erup- tions, etc., and produces a beautiful and delicate complexion. Bo: ties, 2s. 3d. and 4s. 6d. effectually dyes red or grey hair a permanent brown or black, 4s.
A A pure toiIet Powder in ihree tints, White, Rose, and Cream for LU rvUmni ladies of a Brunette complexion and those who do pot like white powder. Boxes, Is., large boxes, 2s. 6d ask Chemists for Rowland’s Articles, 20, Hatton Garden, London, and avod spurious imitations.
ESSENCE OF TYRE
THIS X'-A.OTo
“ 91, Commercial Road, Peckhqm, Jiiiy 12th, 1889.
“ Dear Sir,- I am a poor hand at expressing niy feelings on paper, but I should like to thank you, for your lozenges have done wonders for me in re- lieving my terrible cough. Since I had the operation of ‘ Tracheotomy’ (the same as the late Emperor of Germany, and unlike him, thank God, I am still alive and getting on well) performed at St. Bartholomew’s Hospital for abduct, or paralysis of the vocal chords, no one could possibly have had a more violent cough ; indeed, it was so had at times that it quite exhausted me. '» he mucus also, which was very copious and hard, has been softened, and I have been able to get rid of it without difficulty. “lam, Sir, yours truly,
“ Mr. T. Keating. “J. Hill.’*
MEDICAL, NOTE.
The above speaks for itself. From strict inquiry it appears that the benefit from using Keating’s Cough Lozenges is understated. The operation was a specially severe cue, and was performed by the specialist. Dr. H. T. Butlin, of St. Bartholomew’s Hospital. Since the operation, the only means of relief is the use of these Lozeuges. So successful are they that one affords immediate benefit, although from the nature of the case the throat irritation is intense. Mr. Hill kindly allows any reference to be made to him.
THE UTTERLY UNRIVALLED REMEDY
FOR
COUGHS, HOARSENESS, AND THROAT TROUBLES.
“KEATING’S COUGH LOZENGES” are sold everywhere in Tins, 1/14 and 2/9 each. Free by Post, 15 Stands.
THOMAS KEATING, CHEMIST, LONDON.
Tenth ] Routledge’s Railway Library Advertiser. [Issue.
Thoughts, like Snowflakes on some far-off Mountain Side, go on Accu- mulating till some great Truth ishg^ene^aiid Falls tike^an Avalanche on the Waiting' World.
At present our lawgivers do not see iliac the responsibilities of thoroughly qualnied Plumbers are frequently more important than a Medical Practitioner’s.
IMPORTANT TO ALL LEAVING HOME.
What Health Resort, what Watering Place, wbat Climate in the World could show re- sults 01 Pi eventible Death like these ot' th^ power of Sanitation? Ignorance or Sanitary t^eiencc direct and indirect. Costs Threetold the amount of Poor Rate lor the Country generally. “ He had given as models of sanitation of adult life, well- constructed and well-kept prisons, where of those who came in without well-ce- vel >ped disease, and not good lives either, the death rate oid not exceed TilKEI) I\ 1,000. In Stafford County Jail the death-rate had, during the last ten years, been actually less lhan one in every thou- sand—not a tenth of the death-rate of adult out- iderj.”— Inaugural address by E. CHaDWICK, C. 13., on the Sanitary Condition cl England.
The King of Physicians, Pure Air. Jeopardy of Life, the Great Danger of Vitiated Air.
“ Former generations perished in venial ignorance of all sanitary laws. When Black Death massacred Hundreds of Thousands, neither the victims ncr their rulers could be accounted responsible for their slaughter/’— Times.
After breathing impure air for two minutes and a half, every drop of blood is more or less oisoned. There is not a point in the human frame but has been traversed by poisonous lood; not a point but must have suffered injmy, E»> o’* *' Emit Sall”isthe best known remedy; it removes foetid or poisonous matter (the groundwork of disease) from the blood by natural means, allays nervous excitement, depression, and restores the nervous system to its proper condition. Use Elio’s “Fruit Sail/* It is pleasant, cooling, refreshing, and in- vigorating. You cannot overstate its great value in keeping the blood pare and free from disease.
INFLUENZA. — FEVEKISH COLD. — Instructions: When attacked with influenza or feverish cold, lie iu bed tor three or four days in a warm room, well ventilated by a good fire, take ENO’S “FRUIT SALT” freely, and ENO’S “VEGETABLE MOTO ” as occasion may require. After a few days the marked symptoms will pass away. As a Preservative of Nervous Force, or a Recuperative Diet, use Scalded Milk freely. Use the greatest care to avoid relapse.
Drawing an overdraft on the bank of life. -Late hours,
fagged, unnatural excitement, breathing impure air, too rich food, alco- holic drinks, etc. — ENO’S “FRUIT SALT” is the best known remedy. It removes foetid or poisonous matter— the groundwork of disease— from the blood by natural means, allays nervous excitement, depression, headaches, etc., and restores the nervous system to its proper condition. Use ENO S “ FRUIT SALT.” It is pleasant, cooling, refreshing, and invigorating. You cannot overstate its great value iu keeping the blood pure and free from disease.
CAUTION.— Examine each Bottle , and see that the Capsule is marked ENO’S “ FRUIT SALT.” Without it you have been imposed on by ivorthless imitations. Sold by all Chemists. Directions in Sixteen Languages how to prevent Disease. Protection in every Country.
PBEPARED OIsTXJ"S" AT
ENO'S "FRUIT SALT” WORKS, LONDON . S.E., by J. C. ENO’S PATENT.
Tenth'] Routledge's Railway Library Advertiser. [Issue.
MASTER MILLAR, aged 12 months.
6< 3 r, Harwood Sq ' “N.JV.
“ Mrs. Mill ads little boy — taken the day he was a year old — -brought
up on MELLIN’S FOOD till then, ”
MELLIN’S FOOD BISCUITS
1 Manufactured by Carr b Co., Carlisle, specially for G. Melltn).
For Children after Weaning, the Aged, and Dyspeptic. Digestive, Nourishing, Sustaining. Price 2s. and 3s. 6d. per Tin.
M ELLIS'S LACTO-G LYCOSE or MILK FOOD
Simply dissolved in worm water is recommended for use when fresh cow’s milk disagrees or cannot be obtained. Price 2s. and 3s. per Bottle.
SHAKESPEARIAN WISDOM on the FEEDING & REARING of INFANTS.
A pamphlet of quotations from Shakespeare and portraits of beautiful c‘V^ce“;i^eV,’ro with uatimoniala, which are of the highett interest to all mothers, to be had with samples, tiee by post, on application to- ft. M ELLIN, MARLBORO WORKS, PECKHAM, S-E.
20,030, S. & B., 1212.
MELLIN’S FOOD
FOR
INFANTS
AND
INVALIDS.
P-HMDEmu
MORE “BAB ” BALLADS
unperson
MORE “BAB” BALLADS
iLlttcii *mmix antr Utttle $rnsr
By W. S. GILBERT
WITH ILLUSTRATIONS BY THE AUTHOR
LONDON
GEORGE ROUTLEDGE AND SONS, Limited
BROADWAY, LUDGATE HILL MANCHESTER AND NEW YORK
J^7>7- ! $$1
\
o
*
CONTENTS.
Mister William
The Bumboat Woman's Story
The Two Ogres
> Little Oliver - 1; Pasha Bailey Ben Lieutenant- Colonel Flare
i
Lost Mr . Blake
The Baby's Vengeance
The Captain and the Mermaids -
Annie Protheroe. A Legend of Str atf or d-le- Bow
An Unfortunate Likeness
Gregory Parable , LL.D.
\ The Kmg of Canoodle-dum First Love Brave Alum Be/
Sir Barnaby Bampton Boo
FACE
I
8
J5
21
27
33
33
44
49
55
62
68
74
80
87
93
I I 50222
CONTENTS.
PAGE
The Modest Couple 98
The Martinet 104
The Sailor Boy to his Lass - - - - no
The Reverend Simon Magus - - - 116
Damo?i V. Pythias - - - - - -122
My Dream 127
The Bishop of Rum-tij 00, again - - - 132
A Worm will turn 13 7
The Haughty Actor -142
The Two Majors ------ 149
Emily, John, James, and I. A Derby Legend - 154
The Perils oj Invisibility - - - - 159
Old Paul and Old Tim 164
The Mystic Salvage e 169
The Cunning Woman 175
Phrenology 180
The Fairy Curate 185
The Way oj Wooing 193
Hongree and Mahry. A Transpontine Romance. 197
MORE “BAB” BALLADS.
MISTER WILLIAM.
- — * —
H, listen to the tale of Mister William, if you please,
Whom naughty, naughty judges sent away beyond the seas.
He forged a party’s will, which caused anxiety and strife,
Resulting in his getting penal servitude for life.
2
MORE “BAB” BALLADS.
He was a kindly goodly man, and naturally prone,
Instead of taking others’ gold, to give away his own.
But he had heard of Vice, and longed for only once to strike —
To plan one little wickedness — to see what it was like.
He argued with himself, and said, “ A spotless man am I ;
I can’t be more respectable, however hard I try :
For six and thirty years I ’ve always been as good as gold,
And now for half an hour I ’ll plan infamy untold S
“ A baby who is wicked at the early age of one,
And then reforms — and dies at thirty-six a spotless son,
Is never, never saddled with his babyhood’s defect,
But earns from worthy men consideration and respect.
“ So one who never revelled in discreditable tricks
Until he reached the comfortable age of diirty-six,
May then for half an hour perpetrate a deed of shame,
Without incurring permanent disgrace, or even blame.
“ That babies don’t commit such crimes as forgery is true,
But little sins develop, if you leave ’em to accrue ;
And he who shuns all vices as successive seasons roll,
Should reap at length the benefit of so much self- control.
MISTER WILLIAM.
3
I
“The common sin of babyhood — objecting to be drest —
If you leave it to accumulate at compound interest,
For anything you know, may represent, if you're alive,
A burglary or murder at the age of thirty-five.
“Still, I wouldn’t take advantage of this fact, but be content
With some pardonable folly — it’s a mere experi- ment.
The greater the temptation to go wrong, the less the sin ;
So with something that ’s particularly tempting I ’ll begin.
“ I would not steal a penny, for my income ’s very fair —
I do not want a penny — I have pennies and to spare —
And if I stole a penny from a money-bag or till,
The sin would be enormous — the temptation being
nil ’
“ But if I broke asunder all such pettifogging bounds,
And forged a party’s Will for (say) Five Hundred Thousand Pounds,
With such an irresistible temptation to a haul,
Of course the sin must be infinitesimally small.
“ There’s W ilson who is dying — he has wealth from Stock and rent —
If I divert his riches from their natural descent,
4
MORE “ BAB ” BALLADS.
I ’m placed in a position to indulge each little whim.”
So he diverted them — and they, in turn, diverted him.
Unfortunately, though, by some unpardonable flaw,
Temptation isn’t recognized by Britain’s Common Law;
Men found him out by some peculiarity of touch,
And William got a “ lifer,” which annoyed him very much.
For, ah ! he never reconciled himself to life in gaol,
He fretted and he pined, and grew dispirited and pale ;
He was numbered like a cabman, too, which told upon him so,
That his spirits, once so buoyant, grew uncomfort- ably low.
And sympathetic gaolers would remark, “ It ’s very true,
He ain’t been brought up common, like the likes of me and you.”
So, they took him into hospital, and gave him mutton chops,
And chocolate, and arrowroot, and buns, and malt and hops.
Kind Clergymen, besides, grew interested in his fate,
Affected by the details of his pitiable state.
They waited on the Secretary, somewhere in White- hall,
Who said he would receive them any day they liked to call.
MISTER WILLIAM.
5
“ Consider, sir, the hardship of this interesting case :
A prison life brings with it something very like dis- grace ;
It 's telling on young William, who ’s reduced to skin and bone —
Remember he's a gentleman, with money of his own.
“ He had an ample income, and of course he stands in need
Of sherry with his dinner, and his customary weed ;
No delicacies now can pass his gentlemanly lips —
He misses his sea-bathing and his continental trips.
rude ;
He says he cannot relish uncongenial prison food. When quite a boy they taught him to distinguish Good from Bad,
And other educational advantages he ’s had.
6
MORE 61 BAB ” BALLADS.
“ A burglar or garotter, or, indeed, a common thief Is very glad to batten on potatoes and on beef,
Or anything, in short, that prison kitchens can afford, —
A cut above the diet in a common workhouse ward.
“ But beef and mutton-broth don’t seem to suit our William’s whim,
A boon to other prisoners — a punishment to him. It never was intended that the discipline of gaol Should dash a convict’s spirits, sir, or make him thin or pale.”
cried,
“ Suppose in prison fetters Mister William should have died !
Dear me, of course ! Imprisonment for Life his sentence saith :
I’m very glad you mentioned it — it might have been For Death !
\
MISTER WILLIAM. 7
“ Release him with a ticket — he’ll be better then, no doubt,
And tell him I apologize.” So Mister William ’s out.
I hope he will be careful in his manuscripts, I ’m sure,
And not begin experimentalizing any more.
— >o-
8
MORE “BAB” BALLADS.
THE BUMBOAT WOMAN’S STORY.
I'M old, my dears, and shrivelled with age, and work, and grief,
My eyes are gone, and my teeth have been drawn by Time, the Thief!
For terrible sights I ’ve seen, and dangers great I Ve run —
I ’m nearly seventy now, and my work is almost done !
Ah ! I Ve been young in my time, and I ’ve played the deuce with men !
I ’m speaking of ten years past — I was barely sixty then :
THE BUMBOAT WOMAN S STORY.
9
My cheeks were mellow and soft, and my eyes were large and sweet,
Poll Pineapple's eyes were the standing toast of the Royal Fleet !
A bumboat wroman was I, and I faithfully served the ships
With apples and cakes, and fowls and beer, and half- penny dips,
And beef for the generous mess, where the officers dine at nights,
And fine fresh peppermint drops for the rollicking midshipmites.
Of all the kind commanders who anchored in Ports- mouth Bay,
By far the sweetest of all was kind Lieutenant Belaye.
Lieutenant Belaye commanded the gunboat, Hot Cross Bun,
She was seven and thirty feet in length, and she carried a gun.
With the laudable view of enhancing his country’s naval pride,
When people inquired her size, Lieutenant Belaye replied,
“ Oh, my ship, my ship is the first of the Hundred and Seventy-ones ! ”
Which meant her tonnage, but people imagined it meant her guns.
io
MORE “ BAB ” BALLADS.
Whenever I went on board he would beckon me down below,
“ Come down, Little Buttercup, come ” (for he loved to call me so),
And he ’d tell of the fights at sea in which he ’d taken a part,
And so Lieutenant Belaye won poor Poll Pine- apple’s heart !
But at length his orders came, and he said one day, said he,
“ I ’m ordered to sail with the Hot Cross Bun to the German Sea.”
And the Portsmouth maidens wept when they learnt the evil day,
For every Portsmouth maid loved good Lieutenant Belaye.
And I went to a back back street, with plenty of cheap cheap shops,
And I bought an oilskin hat, and a second-hand suit of slops,
And I went to Lieutenant Belaye (and he never suspected me!)
And I entered myself as a chap as wanted to go to sea.
We sailed that afternoon at the mystic hour of one, —
Remarkably nice young men were the crew of the Hot Cross Bun .
I ’m sorry to say that I Ve heard that sailors some- times swear,
But I never yet heard a Bun say anything wrong, I declare.
THE BUMBOAT WOMAN’S STORY.
II
When Jack Tars meet, they meet with a “ Messmate, ho! What cheer?”
But here, on the Hot Cross Bun , it was “How do you do, my dear ? ”
When Jack Tars growl, I believe they growl with a big big D— *■
But the strongest oath of the Hot Cross Buns was a mild “ Dear me ! ”
Yet, though they were all well-bred, you could scarcely call them slick :
Whenever a sea was on, they were all extremely sick ;
And whenever the weather was calm, and the wind was light and fair,
They spent more time than a sailor should on his back back hair.
12
MORE “BAB” BALLADS.
They certainly shivered and shook when ordered aloft to run,
And they screamed when Lieutenant Belaye dis- charged his only gun.
And as he was proud of his gun — such pride is hardly wrong —
The Lieutenant was blazing away at intervals all day long.
They all agreed very well, though at times you heard it said
That Bill had a way of his own of making his lips look red —
That Joe looked quite his age — or somebody might declare
That Barnacle’s long pig-tail was never his own own hair.
Belaye would admit that his men were of no great use to him,
“ But then,” he would say, “ there is little to do on a gunboat trim.
I can hand, and reef, and steer, and fire my big gun too — ,
And it is such a treat to sail with a gentle well-bred crew.”
I saw him every day ! How the happy moments sped !
Reef topsails ! Make all taut ! There ’s dirty weather ahead !
THE BUMBOAT WOMAN'S STORY. 13
(I do not mean that tempests threatened the Hot Cross Bnn :
In that case, I don’t know whatever we should have done !)
After a fortnight’s cruise, we put into port one day,
And off on leave for a week went kind Lieutenant Belaye,
And after a long long week had passed (and it seemed like a life),
Lieutenant Belaye returned to his ship with a fair young wife !
He up, and he says, says he, “ O crew of the Hot Cross Bnn,
Here is the wife of my heart, for the Church has made us one ! ”
And as he uttered the word, the crew went out of their wits,
And all fell down in so many separate fainting fits.
And then their hair came down, or off, as the case might be,
And lo ! the rest of the crew were simple girls, like me,
Who all had fled from their homes in a sailor’s blue array,
To follow the shifting fate of kind Lieutenant Belaye.
2
14 MORE “BAB” BALLADS.
It ’s strange to think that / should ever have loved young men,
But I ;m speaking of ten years past — I was barely sixty then,
And now my cheeks are furrowed with grief and age, I trow !
And poor Poll Pineapple’s eyes have lost their lustre now !
THE TWO OGRES.
15
THE TWO OGRES.
GOOD children, list, if you ’re inclined, And wicked children too —
This pretty ballad is designed Especially for you.
Two ogres dwelt in Wickham Wold,
One grown up — one a lad :
The younger was as good as gold,
The elder one was bad.
A wicked, disobedient son Was James Me Alpine, and A contrast to the younger one,
Good Applebody Bland.
MORE (i BAB ” BALLADS.
Me Alpine — brutes like him are few —
In greediness delights,
A melancholy victim to Unchastened appetites.
Good, well-bred children every day He ravenously ate, —
All boys were fish who found their way Into Me Alpine’s net :
Boys whose good breeding is innate,
Whose sums are always right ;
And boys who don’t expostulate When sent to bed at night ;
And kindly boys who never search The nests of birds of song ;
And serious boys for whom, in church,
No sermon is too long.
Contrast with James’s greedy haste And comprehensive hand,
The nice discriminating taste Of Applebody Bland.
Bland only eats bad boys, who swear — Who can behave, but don't —
Disgraceful lads who say “ don’t care,”
And “ shan’t,” and “ can’t,” and “ won’t.”
Who wet their shoes and learn to box,
And say what isn’t true,
Who bite their nails and jam their frocks, And make long noses too ;
THE TWO OGRES.
Who kick a nurse’s aged shin,
And sit in sulky mopes :
And boys who twirl poor kittens in Distracting zoetropes.
But James, before he grew so big,
Had often been to school,
And though, of course, a reckless pig,
He wasn’t quite a fool.
At logic few with him could vie ;
To his peculiar sect He could propose a fallacy With singular effect.
So, when his Mentors said, “You hound, Why eat good children — why ? ”
Upon his Mentors he would round With this absurd reply :
1 8 MORE “BAB” BALLADS.
“ I have been taught to love the good— The pure — the unalloyed —
And wicked boys, I ’ve understood,
I always should avoid.
“ Why do I eat good children — why ? Because I love them so ! ”
(But this was empty sophistry,
As your Papa can show.)
Now, though the learning of his friends Was truly not immense,
They had a way of fitting ends By rule of common sense.
“ Away, away ! ” his Mentors cried,
“ Thou uncongenial pest !
A quirk ’s a thing we can’t abide,
A quibble we detest !
“ A fallacy in your reply Our intellect descries,
Although we don’t pretend to spy Exactly where it lies.
“In misery, unworthy son,
Must end a glutton’s joys ;
And learn how ogres punish one Who dares to eat good boys.
“ Secured by fetter, cramp, and chain, And gagged securely — so —
You shall be placed in Drury Lane, Where only good lads go.
THE TWO OGRES.
19
“ Surrounded there by virtuous boys. You ’ll suffer torture wus Than that which constantly annoys Disgraceful Tantalus.
(“ If you would learn the woes that vex Poor Tantalus, down there,
Pray borrow of Papa an ex- Purgated Lempriere.)
“ But as for Applebody Bland,
Who only eats the bad,
A fitting recompense we ’ve planned For that deserving lad.
20
MORE “ BAB ” BALLADS.
“ Where naughty boys in crowds are stowed He shall unquestioned rule,
And have the run of Hackney Road Reformatory 5011001.”
LITTLE OLIVER.
21
LITTLE OLIVER.
ARL JOYCE he was a kind old party
Whom nothing ever could put out,
Though eighty-two, he still was hearty, Excepting as regarded gout.
He had one unexampled daughter,
The Lady Minnie-haha Joyce,
Fair Minnie-haha, “ Laughing Water,” So called from her melodious voice.
By Nature planned for lover-capture, Her beauty every heart assailed ;
The good old nobleman with rapture Observed how widely she prevailed.
22
MORE “BAB” BALLADS.
Aloof from all the lordly dockings Of titled swells who worshipped her,
There stood, in pumps and cotton stockings, One humble lover — Oliver.
He was no peer by Fortune petted,
His name recalled no bygone age ;
He was no lordling coronetted —
Alas ! he was a simple page !
With vain appeals he never bored her,
But stood in silent sorrow by—
He knew how fondly he adored her,
And knew, alas ! how hopelessly !
Well grounded by a village tutor In languages alive and past,
He ’d say unto himself, “ Knee-suitor,
Oh, do not go beyond your last ! ”
But though his name could boast no handle, He could not every hope resign ;
As moths will hover round a candle,
So hovered he about her shrine.
The brilliant candle dazed the moth well : One day she sang to her Papa
The air that Marie sings with Bothwell In Neidermever’s opera.
(Therein a stable boy, it’s stated,
Devoutly loved a noble dame,
And that the dame reciprocated Plis rather injudicious flame.)
LITTLE OLIVER.
And then, before the piano dosing (He listened coyly at the door)
She sang a song of her composing —
I give one verse from half a score i
Ballad.
\
Why , pretty page , art ever sighing ?
Is sorroiv in thy heartlet lying ?
Come , set a-ringing Thy laugh entrancing ,
And ever singing And ever dancing.
Ever singing , Tra ! la ! la !
Ever dancing , Tra ! la ! la !
Ever singing, ever dancing ,
Ever singing, Tra ! la ! la !
He skipped for joy like little muttons, He danced like Esmeralda’s kid (She did not mean a boy in buttons, Although he fancied that she did).
24
MORE “ BAB ” BALLADS.
Poor lad ! convinced he thus would win her, He wore out many pairs of soles ;
He danced when taking down the dinner — He danced when bringing up the coals.
He danced and sang (however laden)
With his incessant “ Tra ! la ! la ! ”
Which much surprised the noble maiden, And puzzled even her Papa.
He nourished now his flame and fanned it, He even danced at work below.
At length the servants wouldn't stand it, And Bowles the butler told him so.
At length on impulse acting blindly,
His love he laid completely bare ;
The gentle Earl received him kindly,
And told the lad to take a chair.
LITTLE OLIVER.
“ Ob, sir/’ the suitor uttered sadly,
“ Don’t give your indignation vent ;
I fear you think I ’m acting madly,
Perhaps you think me insolent ? ”
The kindly Earl repelled the notion ;
His noble bosom heaved a sigh,
His fingers trembled with emotion,
A tear stood in his mild blue eye.
For, oh ! the scene recalled too plainly The half-forgotten time when he,
A boy of nine, had worshipped vainly A governess of forty-three !
“ My boy,” he said, his hands still wringing,
“ Give: up this idle fancy — do —
The ballad that you heard her singing Did not, indeed, refer to you.
“ I feel for you, poor boy, acutely ;
I would not wish to give you pain ;
Your pangs I estimate minutely, —
I, too, have loved, and loved in vain.
“ But still your humble rank and station For Minnie surely are not meet” —
He said much more in conversation Which it were needless to repeat.
Now I’m prepared to bet a guinea,
Were this a mere dramatic case,
The page would have eloped with Minnie, But, no — he only left his place.
2 6
MORE “BAB BALLADS.
The simple Truth is my detective, With me Sensation can’t abide ;
' The Likely beats the mere Effective, And Nature is my only guide.
PASHA BAILEY BEN.
27
PASHA BAILEY BEN.
A PROUD Pasha was Bailey Ben,
His wives were three, his tails were ten, His form was dignified, but stout,
Men called him “ Little Roundabout.”
His Importance .
Pale Pilgrims came from o’er the sea To wait on Pasha Bailey B.,
All bearing presents in a crowd,
For B. was poor as well as proud.
MORE “BAB” BALLADS.
His Presents .
They brought him onions strung on ropes, And cold boiled beef, and telescopes,
And balls of string, and shrimps, and guns, And chops, and tacks, and hats, and buns.
More of them .
They brought him white kid gloves, and pails, And candlesticks, and potted quails,
And capstan-bars, and scales and weights,
And ornaments for empty grates.
Why I mention these .
My tale is not of these — oh, no !
I only mention them to show The divers gifts that divers men Brought o’er the sea to Bailey Ben.
His Confidant .
A confidant had Bailey B.,
A gay Mongolian dog was he ;
I am not good at Turkish names,
And so I call him Simple James.
His Confidant's Countenance.
A dreadful legend you might trace In Simple James’s honest face,
For there you read, in Nature’s print,
“A Scoundrel of the Deepest Tint.”
PASHA BAILEY BEN.
29
His Character .
A deed of blood, or fire, or flames,
Was meat and drink to Simple James !
To hide his guilt he did not plan,
But owned himself a bad young man.
30
MORE “BAB” BALLADS.
The Author to his Reader .
And why on earth good Bailey Ben (The wisest, noblest, best of men)
Made Simple James his right-hand man Is quite beyond my mental span.
The same , continued.
But there — enough of gruesome deeds ! My heart, in thinking of them, bleeds And so let Simple James take wing, —
’T is not of him I ;m going to sing.
The Pasha's Clerk .
Good Pasha Bailey kept a clerk (For Bailey only made his mark),
His name was Matthew Wycombe Coo, A man of nearly forty-two.
His Accomplishments.
No person that I ever knew Could “ yodel ” half as well as Coo ;
And Highlanders exclaimed, “ Ah, weel ! ” When Coo began to dance a reel.
His Kindness to the PashcCs Wives.
He used to dance and sing and play In such an unaffected way,
He cheered the unexciting lives Of Pasha Bailey’s lovely wives.
PASHA BAILEY BEN.
31
The Author to his Reader.
But why should I encumber you With histories of Matthew Coo ?
Let Matthew Coo at once take wing, — 3T is not of Coo I ’m going to sing.
The Author’s Muse.
Let me recall my wandering Muse ;
She shall be steady if I choose —
She roves, instead of helping me To tell the deeds of Bailey B.
One morning knocked, at half-past eight, A tall Red Indian at his gate.
In Turkey, as you ’re p’raps aware,
Red Indians are extremely rare.
MORE “ BAB ” BALLADS.
Mocassins decked his graceful legs,
His eyes were black, and round as eggs, And on his neck, instead of beads,
Hung several Catawampous seeds.
“ Ho, ho ! ” he said, thou pale-faced one, Poor offspring of an Eastern sun,
You ’ve never seen the Red Man skip Upon the banks of Mississip ! ”
To say that Bailey oped his eyes Would feebly paint his great surprise — To say it almost made him die Would be to paint it much too high.
But why should I ransack my head To tell you all that Indian said We'll let the Indian man take wing, — ;T is not of him I ’m going to sing.
The Reader to the Author.
Come, come, I say, that’s quite enough Of this absurd disjointed stuff;
Nowt let's get on to that affair About Lieutenant-Colonel Flare.
LIEUTENANT-COLONEL FLARE.
3
LIEUTENANT-COLONEL FLARE,
THE earth has armies plenty, And semi-warlike bands,
I dare say there are twenty In European lands ;
But, oh ! in no direction You ’d find one to compare In brotherly affection With that of Colonel Flare.
His soldiers might be rated As military Pearls :
As unsophisticated As pretty little girls !
34
MORE “ BAB ” BALLADS.
They never smoked or ratted,
Or talked of Sues or Polls ;
The Sergeant-Major tatted,
The others nursed their dolls.
He spent the days in teaching These truly solemn facts :
There ?s little use in preaching, Or circulating tracts.
(The vainest plan invented For laying other creeds,
Unless it ;s supplemented With charitable deeds.)
He taught his soldiers kindly To give at Hunger’s call :
“ Oh, better far give blindly Than never give at all !
Though sympathy be kindled By Imposition’s game,
Oh, better far be swindled Than smother up its flame ! ”
His means were far from ample For pleasure or for dress,
Yet note this bright example Of single-heartedness : Though ranking as a Colonel, His pay was but a groat, While their reward diurnal Was — each a five-pound note.
LIEUTENANT-COLONEL FLARE.